G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Posted by The Amateur Critics Guild on October 4, 2010

Will’s Take

I have a confession. As a strapping young lad, I was not allowed to watch G.I. Joe. I don’t know if it was the violence, the disregard for puppies, or the public service announcements, but mother put her foot down when it came to “Real American Heroes” (but not to Vader Time or genetically accelerated mutated reptiles).

Or maybe momma was saving me from the inevitable letdown of finally seeing a live-action variant of a childhood memory.

So, obviously, I have a skewed assessment from your average G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra viewer (minimal background).

I think the word I keep coming back to, after watching this flick, is “unoriginal”. Or maybe it’s two words, “schmaltzy clichés”.

If there were a playbook for your average action / adventure / romance then this movie hit them all in stride (Christopher Nolan, you broke the mold).

The acting was stale, rigid, and at times cartoonish (intentionally or not, it was hard to watch). I think Channing Tatum could have been replaced with a cardboard cutout and been just as effective. Apparently Marlon Wayans was cast to be serious and funny (he was seriously not funny). Let’s just say the duo of Tatum and Wayans will not be going down in history as one of the best tandems in cinematic history. While it’s easy to take potshots at our two stars, the whole cast was at times, a little underwhelming. Okay, a lot underwhelming.

The story was so over the top it wasn’t even a surprise every time Stephen Sommers guided us through his twists and turns (we’re talking on a ex-lover goes rogue, becomes mortal enemy, but wait, she was under mind control by her dead brother level, here).

Overall, I was really bored with this movie and don’t expect to be watching in inevitable sequel(s).

The Verdict:

Benjamin’s Take

Like my colleague from above, I was not a G.I. Joe generational kid. I too was caught up in more mutated turtles than real American heroes. Why did I choose to watch this movie then? Well I needed something to watch that I could start at midnight and finish whenever. Maybe next time I’ll choose more wisely.

This movie was cheesy beyond a scale that I have never seen. If they can be that cheesy on the screen, then I’ll make certain that so is my review. Therefore, I will egg this movie on further dislike. If I were lactose intolerant, then I’d be dead by now. Ok. No more cliches or cheesy jokes.

Seriously though, this movie was bad. The only reason I finished it was so that I could finish it and not have it hovering over me as an unfinished product. Stephen Sommers is a poor man’s Michael Bay and that makes it worse. Tatum and Wayans are the worst buddy tandem on film as it really seemed that neither character cared about the other or had real emotion for the other. Of course, it didn’t seem that any character in the film showed any emotion at all. I take that back actually. One showed real emotion and I guess that’s because I consider him a legitimate contender in this movie and my only real reason for giving my rating below. Yes, I’m talking to you Joseph Gordon-Levitt. If it weren’t for you I would have stated this film was more of failure than I am already giving it. If there is a sequel and I need another late late night waste of my time, you might actually gain my attention.

And in a final note, the film had the potential for a great showdown between Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow. Two ninjas with a real grudge against the other. Two ninjas! This is begging for a pointless, yet needed action fight. If you were thinking of seeing this movie just for the fight, go ahead and call ahead for your money back now. I’m so disappointed.

The Verdict:

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